What a Time

 Greetings dreamers, lovers, friends, family & strangers alike!! I’m BACK!!! I must admit I’m slightly ashamed to face you all after so long, an even longer hiatus than before. With the more than 1 year away, all I can tell you is that I fell into this realm of writers block that lasted up until now. Not wanting to come out of it, Kinda relishing in this cocoon of mine was a stark reminder of that very loneliness brought on by the pandemic. I felt safe there…. Non-judged, nothing to explain to anyone, just relishing in myself & my thoughts. However, lately I have felt the urge to move out of that shell & into the world filled of pomp & circumstance, to be apart of it with my story in tow. Like an epiphany has hit me & the words came. No longer did they hide, stifled in my mind & heart. Instead they poured forth like liquid from a tap. Sure I’ve posted on social media, pictures & FB status’ & such but not like this. Deeper, longer tasking heartfelt writing & all because I yearned the need for subtlety. Generally I’m a quiet woman… I address things with simplicity & move forward which is why I can’t see how these tiktokers & bloggers do it on a daily basis. On the contrary, I want to be like them; more open & available in order to complete such a task. It’s a good feeling. A warm one that is so comforting, familiar even.  I feel honestly euphoric in a sense that’s gitty & dazed as the words present itself…So let’s start now…

Well so much has happened since my last entry that per usual, I’ve no idea where to start… Let’s see…There’s been more school shootings, we were in a PANDEMIC!! Technically we still are, however we’ve past the hard part; the BEGINNING  & most importantly tRUMP lost reelection!!!! And on 12/24/2020 I turned 40!!! Couldn’t celebrate like I really wanted to with the whole world under shutdown, so just a quiet evening of Birthday cake, Champaign & those I love sufficed quite nicely… 

So about this PANDEMIC…An airborne virus called COVID -19 aka Coronavirus ravaged our nation. many lives were lost & forever changed as scientists worked around the clock to find a cure. We were forced to wear masks in an attempt to decrease the spread, tools not to engage in large crowds & to stay home! One by one mayor’s were closing down public places such as nightclubs & museums, dine-in restaurants only allowing essential places to remain open such as grocery stores & pharmacies. Hospital staff overwhelmed, ICU docs being intubated by their colleagues after catching the virus. PPE running low, some places reporting to have reused masks & gowns. Different states were creating tents & large capacity buildings made into temporary makeshift hospitals, literally running out of beds &  respiratory ventilators. Nursing homes shut down of visitors, hospitals too canceling ALL visits. Airports became ghost towns, flights were dirt cheap & planes operating at about 1/2 capacity. It was as if the world just STOPPED…or moved back in time ans we became living rather primitive lives. And for some people, that wasn’t an easy task to live with. 

The Isolation…

The pandemic caused a major wave of isolation for many people & depending on who you were & your homelife, it was devastating for some. I read how some looked forward to the home visits hospitals were offering to give the vaccine. Just seeing how that human connection was missed & needed was most assuredly taken advantage of. People with disabilities & the elderly, who were considered “The vulnerable” were at a major impasse. Being left alone & many left to fend for themselves made 411 & crisis center hotlines overrun, statistics showing calls coming in in droves at more than 3x that in a years time. While I do live alone, I was fortunate to still have the support of my family. They were merely a phone call away for food, medicines & anything else I needed. So to be truly honest, I never really knew the true meaning of isolation during this time. Now boredom is quite another matter. Normally I always had something to do, however this time I yearned these activities; paint, bead, sketch, write, Netflix, reading a book, listen to music, finding new podcasts, putting outfits together [I LOVE fashion] talking to myself, talking on the phone, matching old pieces with the new in my closet, going on dates in my head etc but when you get tired of those things, the boredom creeps in, soon realizing that this is all that’s left to do. The world was so guarded & shutdown that I began looking forward to going to doctors appointments just to get out of the confines of home! Even they were practicing social distancing that you were unable to bring someone to your appointment with you. That must’ve been difficult for those needing a companion or personal assistant, yet again another obstacle for the elderly & disabled. It wasn’t until after my weekly Women’s group began over the phone that it sunk in & everything went VIRTUAL. And being a person with a disability, I’m sure I wasn’t the only one like me feeling this way. Can you imagine the mental breakdown from that isolation? The deterioration that erupted from a day in-day out new “ normal” as a direct result of the pandemic was major. So I stayed in contact with my closest friends on the phone & that helped keep the boredom at a distance. But a part of me couldn’t help wonder “What about others like me, how are they holding up? Do they have friends to call, family to pray with?”  No. Another stark reality. I would add those people in my prayers at night. It was important to keep these people in my heart because I knew that this time wasn’t easy. I can safely say that I’m pretty well adjusted, it rattled my brain knowing that some did not share this attribute. I watched as the world became a different place right before my eyes… Students were out of school & eventually moved to Virtual Learning. It was a long, DARK & unsure time for us all & those in office [White House] who are supposed to reassure us a solution was on the way, had NO IDEA whether scratch their watch or wind their BUTTS!! I rejoice knowing that NIGHTMARE is a thing of the past as we move forward…

A Vaccine, A Way Out 

Fast-forward to December 2021, my luck finally runs out & I get COVID!! Even after my 2-shot vaccine & booster, my lucky streak seemed no match for the inevitable. I caught it on my Birthday, the worst gift I ever gotten that didn’t come with a gift receipt for easy exchange. Just when I thought Life couldn’t get any worse, I end up on the COVID ward with 2 fractured ribs… No matter, I managed to get through it as I’ve always done. Coughing during the first onset led to the most severe sore throat as if I swallowed a porcupine was no good start to the new year. Nonetheless, it was all over. It sits on my shelf as a thing of the past, awaiting more memories to join. 

While the Vaccine has served as a life raft for some, those that were lost in the battle will remain etched in our memories as we move forward. To this day, people are still suffering from COVID, some living with residual symptoms from the diagnosis. They must manage life under new circumstances & conditions that never existed before, all the while dodging a second & often third diagnosis, vaccinated & all. The world is now open for business again, with some COVID restrictions were applicable yet still recovering from 18 months of lockdown. The days of fights in isle 9 over the last roll of paper towels are a thing of the past. Many who witnessed a pandemic of the 21st century can safely say “What a time to have been alive” 🤗

Per usual, read, share & COMMENT!! I hope this message finds you well:)

A Quiet Beauty...

Welcome back followers & readers both near and far!!! It has been a long LONG time snce I've posted here and I must say it feels good to be back. Even though I haven't updated here in a while doesn't mean that I've been completely idle. My project @BraceletsForBravery is still going full throttle, unfortunately I've only had the opportunity to sell bracelets than gifting them to anyone. It’s been hard to build my inventory, which is why I haven’t gifted any lately. Sales have slowly picked up & with each one I’m appreciative for their support more than they’d ever know. As I said it’s & I’m praying for consistency in that department. I’ve even designed & created an exclusive piece for my nephew’s clothing line #HypeBEAST He’s local designer here in Chicago & I couldn’t be more proud of him. Check it out...

Interested in checking out more of his line, contact me here or visit him Instagram@HypebeastCEO_

Anyhow in light of the many things I’ve been working on I wanted to share an epiphany I encountered. Sometime ago, I decided to take a stroll around my neighborhood. It was a brisk November afternoon as I found myself immersed in my surroundings. That being the figments placed in & around our city blocks that actually serve such unique purpose in their own right. These things are what keeps our commonwealth running like a well oiled machine. So I whipped out my camera/phone & started snapping.... Stop signs, mailboxes, chain fences, guardrails, benches, billboards & most intriguing.... Fire hydrants!!! Can you IMAGINE life without the mechanisms of these gadgets!? In a way, they ARE important, starkly imperative to our way of life. Which then made me think deeper. We pass these objects LITERALLY every single day & every second of each hour without giving any of them a second thought. Imagine how impactful it would be to society if these things no longer existed!? And while we don’t consider the presence of these silent objects, it’s important to recognize them for what they are. 

So take a fire hydrant for example.... It stands at attention say & night, ready on command to serve the purpose of dispensing gallons upon GALLONS of water at once to extinguish a fire. No one pays attention to the mechanics of these magnificent configurations until we need them. I appreciate their existence for not only what it offers but for some strange reason connect with them on a personal level. 

As a woman with a disability, I can personally attest to the emotion of feeling invisible. I live in a world where I’m immensely out numbered by the able bodied community.  Often situations  force me to assert myself  among my peers in an attempt to prove to them that I’m just as worthy. Truthfully, it’s a tiresome task however it is a feat in which I refuse to fail. One can only imagine what a needle in a haystack feels like. Well if you ask Siri, s/he’ll pull up my picture!! At any rate, I digress. I’m not pressed by any means of my physical circumstance, on the contrary I’m motivated by it. I utilize every opportunity possible as a teachable moment wherever necessary. 

Ever been able to connect or relate to an inanimate object? Strange as it sounds, I have. Fire hydrants are important in every sense of the word. They serve the most unique purpose, many of them possess a variation of  physical features which sets them apart from all the rest. The characteristics alone create individualism among each one. If you haven’t already realized by now, that’s where the relatability comes into focus. Feeling ignored, invisible, harboring a physical difference alongside an immeasurable amount of pressure to perform at full capacity when needed is a daily emotional journey I face. I sat staring at these magnificent objects, posted, ready to perform on command & I thought “Hey that’s me!” Rusted & weathered from the elements of the outdoors.... With a bit of a gross moss even covering a portion    of the base to no fault of its own, I still found that same quiet beauty that lives within a person with a disability; ignored for having a visible difference. I began to snap pictures!!

 

I now take photos of the fire hydrants in my neighborhood. Mostly the ones that are weathered & rusted, signifying that they have a past, a story like me & yet still they stand. 

I learned a long time ago that people fear what they can’t relate to, they’re more likely to connect with what they see in the mirror. Anything outside of that is wrong & redundant. Among the many other lessons learned since having my Haley Jean, one specifically being how I view things very differently now than before. No longer do I stay above water, instead I scratch the surface to feel the depth of its truth. I tend to seek the wisdom that’s within all things or people, but hidden from the world out of fear for being vulnerable. This isn’t on purpose, I just can’t help myself. I think & think & think some more because I’m typically unsatisfied with my findings the first go ‘round. Perhaps it’s the intensivist in me. 

With all that said, in light of today’s atmosphere let’s look beyond the surface of those around us who may be secretly hurting, who’s less fortunate than we are. Keeping in mind that while we may look different, it’s the virtue that defines humanity...,😉

  

Wishlist...

Greetings all! Just a quick piece regarding my project 'Bracelets For Bravery' I've created a wishlist on Amazon.com consisting of items needed for the project that I'm unfortunately unable to afford right now. A friend suggested that I start one. It took me a long time to finally post it only because it's hard for me to ask for help. But I do know that it does take a village. And so if you're reading this & able to help, I would be forever in your debt. Please share this with people you might think will be interested in helping & encourage them to share it with their friends as well. For those new to my journey & the project itself, I've included the link to the specific entry that discusses the project in detail as well as some other links to check out...In the meantime, stay tuned, new entries coming very soon...I'm eternally grateful to you all for the love, support & kindness you've continually shown me. God Bless you all..<3

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/dl/invite/6MmUQ5o

https://teamhaleyjean.blogspot.com/2017/05/bracelets-for-braverywhats-it-all-about.html

http://www.audacitymagazine.com/mom-and-baby-no-regrets/

https://www.facebook.com/HoorayForHaleyJean/

Pondering...

Happy New Year readers new & old, both near & far. I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday & a great start to the new year. If fate justifies the way my new year began by setting the tone, then I'm in for a wild ride. Each year for the last umpteen years I've wished for a strong start. But as luck would always have it, I'd still come up short. Don't worry, it's nothing bad. Just that I planned to begin this new exciting year without repeating some old habits. Unfortunately, that old habit seemed to follow me just at the stroke of midnight......to present day. So while dealing with the reality of that, I also realized how much I need to spend time with God. It has been a while since I've done that, since the beginning of the month, that's just what I've been doing. Reading my daily devotional "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young, referring back to the scriptures the particular piece was derived from & making notes along the way has served as a wonderful emotional retreat. The serenity in reading His word, learning to enjoy the sovereignty of His presence is an unspeakable journey.  Blog post coming soon (at some point in life) about how I came to that crossroad.

So, today I'm coming to you all with a slightly different post. Just some thoughts that's been weighing on my mind I believe are insightful & possibly enlightening to some. It's about sharing your journey online & how knowing the difference between sharing & oversharing may contain some adverse effects. Though experiencing my social media platform, one may come to think that I may be somewhat hypocritical on the subject. I beg to differ. In fact, on the contrary I am a firm believer of balance. Sharing via social media & its cultural impacts on a user reside as an invisible noose, tightening its grip as you subconsciously succumb to its daily pressures to create a post. So much so that one can't seem to see the difference between what information is too much or not enough, which is why, as I mentioned above the importance of understanding the difference between sharing & oversharing is critical.

Nearing 4 years post-child, I watch people document their journeys, I'm saddened to see how some parents share so much of their child that they don't realize that children deserve dignity too. Also, there can be negative impacts of oversharing.  In my opinion it can have some drawbacks. What do I mean by that?? Showing the world your little one is being suctioned while intubated, writing long detailed posts of what's going on or getting a dressing change during wound care, being cathed (urine) or the XRays of broken bones etc. Being a patient in the hospital isn't always fun. You're exhausted, hair is disheveled, physically nauseated all while someone has a phone in your face... When I shared posts of Haley Jean's hospital stays, this practice was one asserted time & time again. I was careful posting such intimate details of her such as  her being suctioned while intubated, or any other minimally invasive procedures. Opens yourself up to scrutiny & criticism. Allows strangers to know more than they probably should about your little one. It gives them a pervasive seat at the table, one in which they truly believe they deserve or are entitled to possess. Speaking from personal experience, oversharing can potentially impact ones emotional state because when you give so much of yourself so often, what do you have left for you? It is so distracting. It is extremely important to retain some of that personal life for yourself.

We live in the era of Social Media, where the internet gets more attention than our loved ones. In fact, eCommerce has cornered the market by creating one social mingling app after another to keep us "connected" with Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, Snapchat etc. The list goes on. And because of this, we're subconsciously obligated to utilize every app of this kind. It's as if a force field pulls you in, forcing you to join & share.

Simply put, just pay attention to what you post, how often you post & take some time to think about it before you hit "share" There's no condemnation if you choose not to post so often or anything at all for that matter. As I know followers tend to expect you to do so. Don't post out of obligation or to appease onlookers. Post to your liking & personal convenience. Remember, our little ones deserve dignity too..;-

Update...

Greetings my friends, family & strangers both near & afar! I've had a few new things happen since my last post that I thought I'd share it with you all. I must admit, it's good & of course some bad news too, but at any rate it's news. And it's life.

I'm back in Physical Therapy at Swabb & I must say I LOVE it!! I'm there twice per week; aquatic therapy in the pool & land therapy on the matted tables. My therapists are amazing!!!! I'm their first patient with OI & it's been a phenomenal learning experience for both therapists & patient. I like to educate others every chance I'm presented with. I allow teachable moments to flourish & bloom into a chain reaction, thereby allowing God to use me as such. I'm learning new things about my body & how to be more conscious of discomfort, not always dismissing it as just another association with OI. Im also learning to swim a little. Getting comfortable in the water & understanding how my core/center differs from others. It's just fantastic, I can't wait to return!!!

As you all know (or not know) driving has been on my 'To-Do' list. I've wanted to learn to drive for as long as I can recall. Before my mother's transition, she purchased pedal extensions for me to use on the gas & brakes. Unfortunately I've yet to utilize them. Because I can't just go to any DMV, I found a driving school in Wheaton, IL. that specifically teaches people with all types of disabilities & body types how to drive. Their driving instructors are trained to teach people like me all the basics & fundamentals of driving. I got so excited because I had found the answer to one of my prayers. Only to learn that it's very expensive & a great distance from my home. So that just sent me back to Square -1. My plan is to somehow save money for the lessons & the figure out the transportation to & from driving classes. So even though it's a step or 2 back, I'm glad to say that I am on my way to completing some of my goals I set for myself; learning to swim & learning to drive.

I've also had my 2nd article published after writing as a Guest Contributor for Audacity Magazine. a fascinating disability lifestyle online magazine dedicated to providing a platform for the misheard & disabled! It's about sexual behavior among people with disabilities. A candid & humorous spin on my personal experiences with sexual encounters & the challenges we face in doing so. Currently I'm working on my 3rd article with hopes of a bright & productive future with Audacity Magazine!!

http://www.audacitymagazine.com/battery-operated-boyfriend-sex-toys/


I was even asked to submit a piece about life with a disability from YooCanFind, another disability lifestyle platform that shares stories about people with disabilities. I'm currently working on an Online Takeover with YooCan where they will share video clips & pics of me for an entire day. I'm so honored to be asked, I hope I won't let them down. Link below...

https://yoocanfind.com/Story/1461/the-fragility-of-life-osteogenesis-imperfecta


On to the bad/not-so-good news.....

After months of broken promises for donations & sales for bracelets, I've decided to place the project on hold. As you know, I feed the project from my own pocket, the generosity of people sending donations & people buying bracelets. However, all of the above mentioned has been waning, forcing me to cease in giving away bracelets until I raise enough money to buy beads & supplies. It broke my heart to have to do this. But how can I make something when I've got nothing?!! In the meantime, I'll continue promoting the project with hopes of getting just the exposure I need to take this thing to the next level!!!

Life is what's happened to me & I still question if things will get any better. On the 24th of June I fell out of my manual wheelchair outside of my apartment. Attempting to catch my Uber to hang out with friends, the front wheels of my chair caught a lift in the pavement & sent me flying face-first onto the ground. In the midst of my fall, I felt my left ankle snap, sending a sharp pain up my leg. Thankfully with a fall such as this, I didn't get seriously hurt. I was able to put my hands in front of me so my face didn't hit the bare ground. I was immediately assisted by a passer-by & my Uber driver, who actually insisted he should call the paramedics. He & the passerby were so comforting & concerned. I'm so glad that I was accompanied by such good people. After spending nearly 12 hours in the ER, I finally was discharged with a bad sprain to my left ankle. The orthopedist on call placed a splint from the knee down. I couldn't believe that after nearly 20 years, I was in a cast yet again from a fall. My mind was racing in every direction possible. Not only was my evening ruined, I had started a new job a few days prior. So yes, that's the good news. I got a new job as a Document Reviewer. However, I have been plagued by a fear of falling again since the accident that I’ve refrained from using my manual chair if I’m not with family. The things OI takes away from you, courage & faith... the very values I’ve always lived by, the core & foundation of my existence. This is the most vulnerable I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

Months of emailing, calling & begging recruiters for a job had finally paid off. I was so desperate for employment that I found myself baring my heart & soul to recruiters, explaining to them exactly why I was off for such an extended period of time, in an attempt to get them to understand. I told them things that I’m certain was TMI, my personal tragedy in hopes that I’d gain some amount of sympathy. To no avail, only thing I received were more unanswered emails. Finally, after some self encouragement, prayers, faith & assertion, I got the job. But damn the timing couldn't have been more offset than this. What was I gonna do? This happened on a Friday & I was expected to return to work the following Monday. I did what any self respecting person who prayed & begged God for this position would do; I went! Yes, I returned to work that following Monday, just 3 days after falling out of my chair. Embarrassed, I rolled into the office wearing one shoe & in total discomfort, physically & mentally. It's bad enough that my wheelchair tends to attract wandering & wondering eyes, but now a missing shoe with a black sock covering a fat foot made my thoughts worse. Although no one made me feel bad, my mind just automatically goes there, with my heart in tow. As a person with a disability, I try my best to be as "normal" as I possibly can, mainly in a setting of able bodied coworkers who's most likely wondering just how did I get here? It's always something in my life that pops up from time to time to remind me that I am disabled. OI always seems to have this power over me. LIke it controls me, especially when I need it to behave itself when I'm on a mission to prove to myself  that I can indeed "Do this!" Sometimes I just  HATE OI & all it's taken from me; my sense of freedom, motherhood & my baby girl. That's just to name a few. It hasn't allowed me to date, get out to making new friends, I could go on forever, but I don't want relive those moments of loss.   So yes, I got a new job & was finally able to catch up on bills. I can't begin to tell you just how hard it is to do this. Working with a "broken" ankle & a broken heart & a broken spirit is just something I don't think I can continue doing. I do promise to keep trying for as long as I have breath in me. Besides, I promised my little Angel a headstone. Knowing she's out there with no identity is something I'm embarrassed of.  Now that I'm working, I can start saving up for it.. I'm tired. I'm so exhausted & praying for strength everyday to get out of bed to face the day is a real struggle & coming out only to see that Pace/CDT has pulled off & left me because I was 1 minute late, now I have to take public transportation. I feel so weak. Helpless, feeble, destitute & powerless. Believe me when I say, this is truly like finding my identity all over again, learning how to live life again. I feel defeated in a way that is attempting to  mentally cripple me..What will become of me? I wish I knew. Not only did I need the job for serious financial reasons, but I wanted a job. Many people don’t like working but truthfully, I do. I love feeling a part of something, that my contribution to the workforce is a testament of triumph that’s indicative of the time I’ve put into my education. I even refused to have my student loans completely forgiven because in applying for this particular waiver states that my disability is forever, that I cannot work because of it. I would be bound for life to never work again. One thing that I can say about many people who have a disability is that independence & capability is VERY important. To say that we aren’t worthy or able to do something when we are is abhorrent. To be able to do something in spite of our circumstance is what keeps us going.  And to do things for as long as we’re physically able to is imperative. That said, no matter how hard things become for me to perform, I will do them for as long as the good Lord allows me.

I do my extreme best not to complain, but I feel painted into a corner & just don't know what else to do or feel. I'm very thankful for the things I do have as well as the things I can do. My heart lives in guilt when I complain because I could be in a much worse situation. There are lots of folks in the wold who don't have half of what I do. My heart aches because of this. There's a song by one of my favorite singer's, Fantasia. It goes, "Sometimes you have to lose to win again." I've lost so much & praying that I'll win again.

Well Im going to end things right here. I hope that whomever is reading this entry will send a little prayer for strength my way. I hope this entry finds you well & in the best of spirits. God Bless you all...<3

A Look Back...

Greetings friends & family both near & afar.....Per as usual, it's been a long time since I've added a new blog entry here. I've found that lately, my trying to write seems to come more & more difficult for me, considering how my experiencing such heartache is taking over. It's controlling my life or at least trying to & every day it's a war within myself as I attempt to rail against it. I've always been vocal for as long as I can remember, never being afraid to speak my truth, to utilize my words. I know in my heart that I will gain my strengths back in due time. After all, I heard someplace that there is power in rediscovering your voice & that is the latest challenge that I'm working on.

Moving on.....A couple days ago while looking through some old homework assignments & medical  documents, junk mail etc, I found a sheet of paper written from top to bottom & on both sides. I noticed the date & realized it was one of my first journal entry notes. A few people had given me the idea to start journaling to help in coping with Haley Jean's chaotic health & to share my thoughts with myself. One night, I decided to give it a chance. As I said, I noticed the date & realized it was indeed a time when she had been hospitalized. Christmas was coming & she had been there a bit over 2 weeks for sepsis & respiratory distress. We had been home from the NICU 3 months before this happened & I can recall feeling frightened & overwhelmed all over again, like I did in the NICU days. I remember feeling afraid, inadequate & just not good enough overall as I grabbed a pen & paper from the counter in her room & quickly began to write. My thoughts began wandering into the abyss of the beginning. Revisiting feelings I thought I'd suppressed enough to forget them completely. Memories are a funny thing; just when you think time as wiped them out, a scent, a sound or a circumstance immediately reveals its long hidden presence. Holding this sheet of paper in my had, forgetting what I was looking for, I began to weep. My heart began beating rapidly, breathing became labored, my watery eyes glazed across each line as they strained to read through blurred visioned caused by tears. The page was warped, stained with something reddish orange, the corners curled inward with a brownish color serving as an uneven border. It was stiff, crumpled as if it had gotten wet then dried, but felt like it would tear if handled improperly. In spite of how warped this page was, I still was able to read it legibly. Suddenly I began to smile, thinking that this page was just like my Haley Jean; fragile & warped from a laundry list of health ailments, yet able to be viewed as a human being, understood & loved. It will remain in my keepsake box that is filled with lots of her little trinkets.

As the day went by & the sun began sneaking behind the retirement center across the street, I decided to share this journal entry with everyone. You all have helped in shaping me as mother, as a woman who is heartbroken in more ways than you may ever come to know. I can't think of any other people I'd rather share it with. You all are those who experienced this journey alongside me in prayer & thought. I'm forever grateful..:)

"My Thoughts" 12/16/2013

Only a few days or so left before Santa comes to town & where are we? Stuck in the PICU here at Rush. As I sit quietly at her bedside, the beeping of the machines act as a hypnotist, a white noise while I drift into memory lane, reflecting on the past 2 years of my life. The road traveled has been an interesting one, one that was completely unexpected. After a few days of finding out I was expecting my first baby, my mind was bombarded with yet even more thoughts. This time of what my mother would think. I was semi-employed, in debt, disabled & dependent to some extent. My intended was 20 years older than me, twice divorced with 5 other children whom were all from both previous marriages. Like myself, he was not financially stable. Overall he was in no position to support us. My mother was probably turning over in her grave if she knew what I had done. I was pregnant and unmarried to a man who had no intention on committing. I know she didn’t want that life for me. I was embarrassed & ashamed & her opinion meant the world, even in death. My mother thought very highly of us, expected the best for us and out of us all. Although we all didn’t live the ideal lifestyle, she never made us feel little or unworthy. In spite of my circumstance, there was no way I was aborting my child. I discovered potential I didn’t know existed within me from the moment I found out I was having a baby. As the days approached towards discharge from the NICU, the hospital staff pressed harder and harder to “train“ me as a caregiver. I learned CPR, how to operate the feeding pump & administer medications through her G-tube, how to operate oxygen tanks, the concentrater etc. As you can see, her general care had more requirements than the average baby. I couldn't determine if they were trying to help me or if it was just an attempt at deterring me from wanting to take her home. As it came closer to discharge, there were talks among the NICU staff  about her going to live in a medical foster home because she was technologically dependent. She was on oxygen 24/7 & was required to wear a pulse oximeter when she slept at night & during nap time in the day. I was eager &  willing to learn how to care for her. The thought of her living with someone else gave me nightmares. I was afraid they would try to take her away for me. It was their opinion that I was unable to safely care for her due to my physical disability. They are legally bound by law to intervene if ever there's a child going into an unsafe environment. They told how they were simply doing mine, & I explained that on the contrary, so was I. As her mother, it was my job to advocate for her well being. From the time I found out she was in my womb, I promised her that I'd fight for her, even if it meant my life. I felt bullied & discriminated against all because I wasn't married & disabled. This was the only time we did NOT get along. It was the one time in my life that I was deeply afraid of losing my child. They brought me pamphlets, telling me all about the wonders of Misericordia, how fantastic Merriville facility was & the amazing benefits of my child living with a medically trained foster family.  I started feeling like I was being pressured & harassed because I was in a wheelchair. It was as if they didn’t see me and what I had accomplished in bringing her into this world, none of that mattered to them. I had became so  overwhelmed with pressure to make a decision that all I could do was cry.  I felt that if I sign that piece of paper to give my child to strangers, my rights as a parent would become forfeited. After weeks of frustration, tears, praying, fear & heartache, my family came to show them that I had a great deal of help. Afterwards they realized the help I had at home was nothing short of pure love. There was no longer any conversation about Haley Jean going anywhere else after the NICU besides home with me. After all, there's NO place like Home <3

Valentine's Day 2015

A Look Through My Lens...

Sitting around looking for a creative outlet different from what I've been doing such as writing, painting & beading. Though I love all of these things, I felt like doing something new, after all I've always held an interest in art no matter the format or medium. Each one carries a special It's just a matter of actually getting started. A few days ago, as I sat thinking & venting on paper was when it came to me like an epiphany. Alongside a TV commercial I noticed some enlarged black & white prints on the walls. Immediately I was hooked...I knew right then...Photography!! Now photography is something I've always been interested in doing. Not professionally but as a hobby. I've wanted to take some classes at a local art center here in the city however I haven't had the opportunity as of yet. It's rather expensive & I can't afford it. So I decided in the meantime, my cellphone would have to do.

I sat checking out the camera features of my iPhone8 & I was completely amazed by it's phenomenal capabilities & functionality it entails. So one day last week I decided simply to take a stroll around the block. The air was brisk, crisp & the sun was warm. After I accessed the camera, I flicked through the many filters; Natural Light, Stage Light, Portrait...The list merely trails.  Proudly I paced myself, my wheels crunching through the fallen dried leaves on the ground. It was such a gorgeous day, I couldn't help but smile. Looking around, I was taken aback at how beautiful the things that we pass each day all had their own unique flairs & flaws. The fire hydrants were old, rusted, worn out yet stood posted in its place completely unaware of its presence, not knowing just how many lifetimes its been there & will remain there. Imagine how new & unused these things looked when they first appeared? Compared to the wear & tear created over time & outdoor elements assists in these unique markings. The sewer caps, how different each one were yet they serve the same purpose. It serves as the lifelines or doorway to our water system, its the reason we're able to bathe, shower, swim, have a refreshing drink....I never noticed this until now. Stop signs were bright red, some with the neighbors graffiti tags from spray paints to add some personal flair, some were scraped, chipped yet there they stood tall & proud doing its job....Making sure motorists "Stop" Tall, sturdy, embedded into the cement encased base ensuring it stays put.....Old public phone booths with no phone serves as a reminder of just how technologically inclined our society, generation & culture has become...."For Sale" signs alerting passersby of what could potentially be a "Deal of the century!!" Worn & tarnished from natures elements, yet it stays put, etc.

Those were just a few of the descriptions of photos I took. Out of all of them, the ones I described held somewhat dear to me.....Though worn, weathered, tattered, exhausted these things remain & serve its purpose in the same token. Reminds me of my Haley Jean. Her tiny little body plagued with health issues, yet there she remained in tact. Her body worn, tattered, tired, differently abled, perfectly imperfect yet she was as beautiful as a gentle breeze brushing through a field of lilies. Rustling through the fallen leaves on the moist pavement on an early Fall morning after a short rainfall.

These things we see each day, yet we disregard them as vital parts of our lives. Why? Who knows....Possibly because they've become adapted to our sensory system; we know they are present, but if no one brings them to our direct attention, we routinely pass them by.....Just as the sun sets & rises again & again. Or possibly because no one truly considers the importance of these things. Especially if they're full of flaws, like humans do, we automatically regard them as "different" because of those flaws. Flaws, which is why I often use beads that are chipped or cracked, I feel they should be incorporated into something that is beautiful too....Again, like my Haley Jean, perfectly imperfect, tattered, worn, tired....But still RADIANT beyond measure. And like these things, flawed, perfectly imperfect, tarnished, worn.....But still present....<3

Some reminder links...

http://www.audacitymagazine.com/mom-and-baby-no-regrets/

https://www.instagram.com/braceletsforbravery/

https://www.facebook.com/HoorayForHaleyJean/

https://www.instagram.com/zuezuesknots/

Darkness is My Friend...

 Darkness is my friend, it excepts me in my most vulnerable state it is quiet, it doesn’t judge me, it doesn’t force feedback or try consoling me. It lets me be me...It lies still in silence, it’s steadiness and consistency  allows me the freedom to cry nonstop for hours on end without making anyone in my presence feel powerless. Darkness is my best friend. It doesn’t remind me of what I accomplished in the past, on the contrary  it simply lingers in the present. To linger in the presence is what I like, why go back into memories, or revisiting the past that I will never have the pleasure of reliving again? Darkness truly is my best friend because it is always there, it never leaves me,  it is always there not even taunting me, though strange is that my seem, but instead it is inviting. It’s embrace is warm, It is welcoming with open arms to hold me like a strong hug from my long lost loved one. It’s stance is vertical, unwavering, poised and always waiting for me.  Why would I ever leave her now, I lie in it’s stillness,  its thick blackness alone engulfed by my friend named darkness and in her I can be sad, angry, disappointed, depressed, I can even talk to her and not worry about a response or saying the wrong thing because  she only listens, yet never speak. Darkness, is equated with depression, it is equated with grief and loss all the things I’ve experienced jumbled into one another. Somewhat like a snowball effect, in one sweeping  push down a steep ravine all of these things that I now relate to is now become the forefront of my life. Darkness awaits me every night, throughout the day and in the light I prepare for her. I prepare by making jewelry, doing laundry, household chores ,watching a movie, writing etc. But once the lights inside my home become brighter, I know that it is only a matter of time that darkness will be here waiting for me. And I will greet her with open arms, and that in that space with nothing but my thoughts echoing in my head. She is all I know right now, and all I  wish to know until otherwise noted. Thank you my friend, it’s been a pleasure..... See you tonight....😓

From the Eye of the Storm...

So many times we've been faced with situations that redefines who we thought we were. First, we begin early in childhood with creating the perfect Christmas Wish list & then comes Jr High when we we are dealing with how to adjust to puberty. We move down the line to High School & you all can attest to the biggest decisions in life at this juncture; Prom date, Prom dress!! After that comes electing the right college to attend, landing that dream job & moving up the corporate ladder in your career. Don't forget searching for that perfect mate, marrying your soulmate, finding the perfect house & the most meaningful name for your first child. These are all definitive points in our lives & we take much pride in those special moments that we only get to experience once. You nearly become defined by them, attached in a way that they become one with you. It isn't uncommon that any decision making process comes with pros & cons, that they are met with the ideas & opinions of those close to us. Often times they come on the heels of those unknown to you. Plainly put, social criticism is & always have been ingrained in our culture. As the reader, you can already fathom the journey we took together was a long one.

My daughter Haley Jean was born a preemie, 30 weeks exact & stayed 6 months in the NICU. She went through a plethora of health problems, to simply name one hurts my soul to the core. I prided myself on sharing her journey with others, as an inspirational force to those in need of hope. So you can imagine the amount of questions I had thrown at me left and right.

During the course of motherhood, I received a lot of questions from spectators. I've found that it's easy for people to ask questions & criticize when they just don't understand the unknown, mainly when they're not the ones in the control center. The questions came from various avenues; concern, fear & especially out of curiosity. I had to realize that my situation was quite unique, new & fascinating to some. Because of this, I felt it was necessary to recondition my mind to this new normal. Though it didn't happen overnight, in time I became accustomed to learning how to incorporate this new plan of action into my life.During this time, I dealt with a lot of trauma. One can't begin the emotional pain I felt as I sat in a closet sized family conference room during a phone interview for a new job while Haley Jean was being extubated. Or the nerves I felt when my phone rang at 3am from the PICU & being told that your daughter coded 3 times,,,,, How did I do it? I don't know.....

Questions that arose were "Why have a child knowing you're disabled" "Why all the tubes?" "Isn't there another way to get blood?" "I read this procedure on Google, I don't think you should allow those docs to perform this on her, would you like me to email the link to you?!!" "There's got to be another way, have you asked??" And that's just the tip of the iceberg. The emotions I felt when people would ask things were synonymous to ripping a band-aid from its wound, I've found that its easy for people to ask "Why did you do this" or "How come you didn't do that" when they weren't the ones at the bedside 'round the clock. Questions are easy for people when they aren't the ones making decisions that will ultimately determine life or death. It's easy for people to ask questions when they haven't been at the bedside for so long that you literally lose track of time, clothes go unchanged for days at a time because you're frightened to death to leave for a moment. Your body aches from sleeping in an upright position in the recliner for many nights in a row Its easy to ask questions when you're making decisions but you're sleep deprived & can't recall the last time you ate. You're appetite simply eludes you, all that matters is that precious little critter in which the Lord entrusted with you to be her mother. Out of all things asked, I wanted to write this piece to discuss why I didn't authorize a tracheotomy. Here's that journey...

One day, during a plan of care meeting with her team, the idea of a  possible tracheotomy was brought in conversation. I kinda had a feeling the conversation was inevitable. They felt this was her best option considering the many times in the past she'd fall into respiratory distress, where her breathing became compromised & labor intensive. In such case, she'd need immediate respiratory assistance through a ventilator. However, there were instances where they'd attempt to intubate during an emergency, once recalling a time where they tried 9 times.....A feat attempted by Rush's finest PICU staff & Attending's. She'd have edema or swelling of her trachea which would make intubating a hazardous nightmare. A trach would eliminate the time & hassle in future emergency settings. They could simply hook her up to the vent in literally seconds.  Here are some factors as to why I opted otherwise.

For starters there were a few mitigating factors that played a huge roll in that decision making process. One was [keep in mind I'm NOT a medical professional] simply looking at her phycial makeup it seemed there was no room to safely & successfully trach her. Haley Jean was super chunky with a very short neck length. In my thinking, I figured if intubation was a challenge when hyperextending her head/neck briefly, I'd imagine a tracheostomy would be 10x more difficult to live with daily. The collar alone would have difficulty wedged between her neck & chest along with much needed 24/7 home care nursing, requiring constant cleaning. In fact, a day when traching was put on the table during a plan of care meeting with the staff, her day nurse idly spoke these very problems to me. It was as if she was reading my mind, the irony was that she was a professional, I am just a mother.

Limited mobility & quality of life would take a huge decline, as her current state of mobility was already strained. She was tethered to an oxygen concentrator with canulla, pulse oximeter to monitor o2 sats & heart rate, G-Tube for feeding, as she was NPO [no feedings by mouth]  as well as administering 'round the clock meds. Simply catching flying bubbles was a feat in its own right....a feat that made me so proud to be the Chosen One; her Mom! This & reaching for toys were milestones for her. Following or tracking your finger were also worth celebrating & praising. So in my mind, a tracheotomy would only serve as an arduous impasse, both physically & safely.Would she live through the operation or would they lose her on the table was my biggest concern. And after much contemplating, we all came to the conclusion to opt out.

Another reason behind the decision not to trach was because Haley Jean's threshold was particularly low. Meaning she'd have a respiratory setback yet very brief. And if the risks outweighed the benefits, I didn't want to gamble with her life. So with all these factors involved,  I truly believed she'd do well without a trach. Conversation about a trach came on the heels of her Pulmonary Hypertension diagnosis. Please know, this decision DID NOT come lightly. It didn't come easy. In fact on the contrary. It presented itself on sleepless nights & worry some days.

This journey was a rather unique one, that as I stated above has redefined who I thought I was. I've learned something new about myself that I never knew resided in me. It's been 2 years & I still cry wondering if I did everything in my power correctly. I like to fancy the idea that me being born with a disability set the tone for this path I have taken. It merely served as a prerequisite to this test of life I acquired. If this is so, this disability was the BEST thing that ever happened to me...<3

Some friendly reminders....Click links below for more things Haley Jean & Me!


http://www.audacitymagazine.com/mom-and-baby-no-regrets/

https://www.facebook.com/HoorayForHaleyJean/

http://www.thepicta.com/user/braceletsforbravery/3531438141

https://www.instagram.com/zuezuesknots/

Happy Memorial Day!

Greetings friends, family & strangers both near & far.....Please watch & share my video slide show I created using iMovie to show my chronological journey to motherhood, through motherhood & life after the loss of a child. In honor of Memorial Day, I decided to create a slideshow of some of my favorite photos of Haley Jean & I..How are you spending your Memorial Day? What does it mean to you? Drop a comment in the "Comments" section below & don't forget to share this blog entry on your social media outlets. Have a wonderful day & as always be kind to one another...;)

Bracelets For Bravery.....What's it All About?!!!

Happy New Year, Happy Valentines Day, Happy Easter, Happy Spring & Happy soon-to-be Mother's Day!!!!! Yea I know...It's been that long since I wrote on here & must say that I've got a LOT of catching up to do....Unfortunately this isn't the post..LOL....This is a brief post to discuss again in detail the premise of my project 'Bracelets for Bravery' So far I've made & given away 30 bracelets to some AMAZING moms because they deserve to feel special too. I'm very proud & equally passionate about this project & pray that soon I can take it much further. Being able to reward a deserving mom with something unique is what I live for each day. Please read this post in its entirety & share it with friends, family & strangers afar. As usual, I thank you all for taking the time to read what's in my heart. I'm eternally grateful for your time & don't worry...I'll be updating sooner than you think....God Bless & like Ellen says, Be kind to one another..<3

Bracelets For Bravery

I started Bracelets for Bravery about 6 months after the passing of my only child, my daughter Haley Jean. Like me, she was born with Osteogenesis Imperfecta also referred to as brittle bones disease. OI is a genetic disorder characterized by fragile bones that break or fracture with little and often times no trauma at all. She also had Respiratory Disorder, which is common with OI. Because of this, she spent a vast majority of her life in and out of Rush University’s PICU here in Chicago. As a mother to a child with Special Needs, I understood the hardships that came along with the lifestyle. You feel isolated, alone as if this struggle is happening to only you. Haley Jean inspired this project by her strength, charismatic innocence and infectious smile. After every health scare, she’d come through the end of the tunnel unscathed and as always, that resilience simply radiated. As a Special Needs mom, I wanted to do something special just for that mom. In receipt of of a handmade bracelet, it means that I acknowledge that same resilience in that mom, that I hear the pain and fear in her heart and that I understand. Thinking back, this life can be quite chaotic, you want to make the right decisions for your children. Sometimes those decisions can determine life or death. You want to know that you’re doing the very best you can and not that you look for validation from others, hearing it eases your mind. I see this in every Special Needs mom and want to acknowledge her in a very special unique way. These same qualities that my Haley Jean embodied are within that mom and child. NO bracelet is EVER the same. Every mom gets a one of a kind piece to emphasize individuality of the recipient and their journey. And so that the recipient feels extra special knowing that no one else has this piece but her.

Here’s a couple links to my social media…

http://www.audacitymagazine.com/mom-and-baby-no-regrets/

https://www.facebook.com/HoorayForHaleyJean/

https://www.instagram.com/braceletsforbravery/

I began blogging about life as a single mom with a disability, parenting a child with Special Needs. Now it’s about life after her “Trip to Heaven” and my struggling to cope.

The Fall of "Fall"...

"It is Fall, It is Fall.....The leaves are falling everywhere.....That means it's FALL!!" That's a line from a song on Yo Gabba Gabba "Halloween" episode... Such a cute show & my Haley Jean adored it!! So as you all know by now, the inevitable is here....FALL!!! That means Winter is fast approaching & nearly time to hibernate from the harsh cold & trek the ice & snow. Fall, such a beautiful season was always a time of year that I looked forward to. The crispness in the air, the change in the wind & the sound of rustling, discolored leaves as the wind blew somehow seemed to put me in a place of serenity. I'm not sure why but it always did. I'd close my eyes & take it all in. Even the scent in the air brought a tranquility to me as I'd bask in God's work. 

Unfortunately, things have changed & my feelings toward this lovely season has somewhat changed. Since having my baby girl, life as one can safely assume had become a tad bit more challenging. Cold weather made traveling even more of a chore for me traveling in a wheelchair & a child with rather unique special needs. I felt isolated from others because it meant that staying home safe from the elements offered by Chicago were in her best interest. Now, Fall reminds me of all the not-so-fun aspects of this life & time. No longer do I look forward to it. What once was a pleasurable pass time is now a painful memory. The branches slowly become bare as the days pass. I don't even like going out. 

This weekend I completed some bracelets for some wonderful moms & as usual, I photographed the finished product. Natural light & nature makes for the best props & backdrop. I took them outside & as I looked around, I saw these beautiful leaves all over the ground & decided to include them in the photos as the backdrop. The smell of Fall reminded me of the tranquility I once felt as well as the impending fears that's been harboring my mind lately. I did it as a way to embrace the pain, embrace the beauty that represents Fall; starting over....A new beginning...:)

Haley Jean's 1st Halloween Costume..She's a Scare Crow <3 

Here are the beads purchased from Happy Mango Beads :)

By the way...

http://teamhaleyjean.blogspot.com/2015/09/finding-me-again.html

http://teamhaleyjean.blogspot.com/2016/05/strand-by-stranda-day-at-time.html

https://www.instagram.com/braceletsforbravery/

http://www.audacitymagazine.com/mom-and-baby-no-regrets/