Sunday, June 14, 2015

A Motherless Child, A Childless Mother...

Have you ever went through life with blinders on but didn't know it until you're forced to evaluate yourself in "lifes" mirror? Well that's what I'm going through right now. I'ts humiliating being idle, sleeping til 2 or 3pm, looking for something to do. After an hour or of searching for a task all you come up with is re-stocking the the bathroom shelf with fresh folded towels, mating socks & shoes, comparing dark roast to medium blend coffee all while crying....hoping no one hears you. I wonder why me, I have no mother or a child so now my life seems so pointless.....I can't see anything but darkness. Painting has been helping & rather soothing. Since my finances have declined significantly, I can't even afford to buy supplies anymore. Beading as well has been something I've worked on to keep me occupied & explore my creative side. Just started Origami Paper folding....Kinda relaxing too.

They say God works mysteriously, that he sees the end from the beginning. How does He work this way without warning us of the inevitable? Not that I'm questioning His logic & Hand, but I just can't help feeling cheated out of what I thought was the greatest gift; Motherhood. Looks like I'll never have that chance again...Deciding to continue with a pregnancy that had obvious obstacles wasn't a hard one to make because I'm no novice to obstacles. I didn't know how to walk away from it because I wasn't built that way. As I have said in the past I don't regret that decision, rather I've learned to embrace it. Just recently heard a this saying, if you can't hide it, celebrate it....I've done that all my life, in fact that is the very premise of my life..That same fabric of embrace that has groomed me to the person I am today. It's probably why others may not understand my thinking or course of action that I take/taken during certain circumstances.

 As I am writing this blog entry my favorite televangelist Joel Osteen comes on. He said that people aren't born with problems because of their sins...It's so that God can give great glory at the expense of my enemies. I know that God doesn't make mistakes, that we're all here on borrowed time. We are here as a testimony to God's word, not for ourselves. I've always wanted to use my situation as a lesson for others, in attempt to provide some level of hope to those that are discouraged. I want to help others but I don't know how, my heart aches. I'm deeply saddened, What will I do??

In the meantime I will speak to God to ask Him for answers & direct my steps because I've never been so lost in my entire life until now. Not being able to hold & kiss her hurts my soul, so badly that I can't explain it. I can't see my way out of this depression. What will I do? How can be of assistance to anyone if I can't even help myself?.... :'(

By the way...;)

Thursday, June 11, 2015

A New "Normal"...

OI sure has a way of ruining any aspect of a potential good day. This morning while making breakfast, I sneezed & cracked a rib under my right breast. It shattered any plans I had for the day, such as going out for a haircut. I've lived with OI my entire life & have learned to adjust to it's inconsistencies & sudden obstacles. But lately life seems to have taken a liking to beating down & keeping me there. This stage in my life is the first time I've thrown a pitty-party for this long. I feel so beat down, defeated...useless. I'm writing this because I want to share the aftermath of what life is like....alone. Alone is kinda where I want to be. I'm sad all the time. I want to wallow in this sadness alone because I don't think it's fair to transfer my emotions to others.

So as you can tell today isn't a good day afterall. Typically I embrace my situation simply because this is my normal, however now this my "new" normal. I'm learning to cope without her & it's not going well. To add to my heartache I learned that her Palliative home care nurse Matt Hirshfeld died just days after her services. The shock of this devastating news sent me into an emotional rollercoaster all over again. I couldn't believe the news, it literally felt like a dream. I had no idea that he was ill so that alone caught me by surprise. He was always perky, upbeat & jubilant. He loved his babies & that showed in the way he cared for them. He was more than just Haley Jean's caregiver, he was our friend. He is sorely missed.

When I think of all the fascinating people we've met during this journey, it saddens me that those friendships are no more. Often times I wan to call or text the team to say hello but I think about how that may not be the best idea. They are professionals & since she's no longer their patient it's best move on & hold on to the memories.

As the days persist I will continue to keep myself busy as best I can. However, the next few days will be difficult becasue I'll need to relax as much as possible. I've got to get my ribs healed & pain-free & complete bedrest with meds is my only hope. It'll be very hard, considering that whenever I"m idle I have the hardest time coping with her absence. It forces you to think & remember when most days I don't want to because the pain is just too intense. Yesterday I stayed in bed embarassingly until 3pm. The amount of energy it takes to get up & out of bed to get freshened up is immeasurable. This isn't me, I don't know who this person is anymore. I don't know what "her" purpose in life is or if "she" even has one for that matter. I'm no happy with my reflection in the mirror. AS I said, it's my new "normal".....

I'll use this down time to paint, although I've run out of canvas It'll give me a reason to go to the craft store.  In the meantime here's a photo of my most recent project I found on Pinterest. Please pray that I get stronger than the day before. I'll be in touch...;)

By the way...;)