Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Why Me??...Why Not :)

Being pregnant was no easy task given my physical limitations. I have OI type 3, scoliosis, weighed 70lbs & 54 inches tall. My abdomen rapidly expanded, simultaneously gradually cutting off blood circulation in my legs & creating shortness of breath. As I mentioned in a prior post I couldn't talk without going into a 5 minute coughing spell. That was attributed to the baby pressing on my diaphragm & lack of adequate oxygen to the blood. My chest cavity is smaller than average due to the scoliosis & short-stature so anything extra will surely be compromised. I didn't feel her moving until about 16 weeks. Felt like butterflies or flutters at first & my doctor have me a heads-up that it would soon happen. I was shell-shocked when the pregnancy was confirmed for obvious reasons. It wasn't until I felt her first kick that I began to get attached & excited about it. I had this feeling of constipation or pressure in my bottom & my pelvis very early on. This resulted from my constant sitting & all I could think of after a long day at work was lying down. I also had pressure soreness near my curve & lower back which was soothed by a hot bath & Watkins salve rub down....Ahhh what a treat :) The weight gain began to make it's presence known. Transferring grow more difficult as the days & weeks progressed so I decided to continue to stay physically active as long as I could so that my strength could acclimate to the weight gain. Then one day, out of the blue I noticed the Linea Nigra; the infamous black line running down the center of my belly. The pregnancy seemed to be reassured. As If I didn't know already, it was little things like that which seemed to re-confirm it. It was an emotional rollercoaster & I was the only passenger...Sitting right up front. I began to "feel things", emotionally unstable, sensitive to everything around me all the time, taking things personally & feeling the weight of my peers' problems on my fragile frame. It was difficult separating myself from things I had no control over. It was difficult to delineate things that were associated [expected] with the pregnancy & life in general. Most days were fine & others I couldn't control my feelings. I tried my best to consider other people's feelings & desires but it was as if I was working for two people; me before the pregnancy & me during. I was adamant about my baby living in a calm & happy tummy so you can imagine the importance of me insisting on taking it easy but that was a luxury, not a necessity.

Looking back almost two years ago, I never dreamed we'd come this far. With all of Haley Jean's special needs & my own health risks I think to myself "Why her, why me?" I look around & see others not struggling the way I did. Other children her age living their life happy, healthy & whole. I see parents being able to go from A to Z in minutes without once losing their stride. I can't even blink without the help of others. But no matter what happens/nd I have not ONE regret, & I refuse to have this life any other way. If I did, it wouldn't be natural.

In the end I'm eternally grateful for the ability to experience pregnancy. It was an adventure in its own right & my physical challenge was or isn't a disadvantage but a constant reminder that in spite of circumstance to rise to the occasion & embrace it. No complaints, no fear & love unconditionally. These were mere imperfections which made it even more special. I'm thankful to be the Chosen One...;)

Monday, September 15, 2014


Man...Have I been on a hiatus. My sincerest apologies for the inconsistency of posts. Time has been slipping away from me. Now that Haley Jean has been back in the hospital, my time to write posts have become limited. I'm so exhausted after long daily visits that I get writers-block. The thoughts in my head can't seem to escape. I've always found it easier to talk about things rather than write them down.

In new news...Haley Jean has caught that respiratory virus that's going around. It's called Enterovirus No.38. Starts off as a simple cold; sneezing, runny nose & cough. But soon progresses to wheezing & shortness of breath. It's especially difficult for children with preexisting respiratory conditions such as asthma, bronchitis etc. Good thing is that it doesn't last long, it has a cycle of about 2 to 4 weeks. Treatments include some oxygen, breathing treatment like albuterol or pulmicort to open up airflow & some steroids. However, no case is typical. Like Haley Jean, who unfortunately needed the aid of an ET tube. It's difficult seeing your helpless child laying there, trying to play & laugh. Her tiny voice stifled by a breathing tube. To keep her from pulling at it, she's tied down, with only a little slack. The bed is so high up so I have to climb from my chair to lay next to her. She loves to touch my face. The tube doesn't stop her from smiling. She squeezes my hand when she needs to be suctioned. It's very uncomfortable, she cries & my heart aches each time. Eventually I have to climb down from the bed, as most times I'm half in the bed & half in my chair. I'm not 20 anymore so holding myself up, safely is tough. By the time i head home, I'm exhausted. But seeing her beautiful round face, feeling her gentle touch & slightly hearing her softly cooing through the tube makes it all worth it.

She's been in the hospital over 3 weeks now & it's so hard. The separation is difficult to handle most times because when I'm home all I can think of is her. I wish I could spend every second of my life with her, but the truth is, I can't. Sometimes duty calls at home, and I have to answer. I have eat & rest. I feel so guilty when other things interfere with our visits. Sometimes I'm so tired that I can't find any energy to move forward. My heart breaks that I can't be there. This is the life that I've chosen, and I'm sticking to it no matter what. She's the reason my world exists & we are indeed meant to be...;)