Catch-Up

Man...Have I been on a hiatus. My sincerest apologies for the inconsistency of posts. Time has been slipping away from me. Now that Haley Jean has been back in the hospital, my time to write posts have become limited. I'm so exhausted after long daily visits that I get writers-block. The thoughts in my head can't seem to escape. I've always found it easier to talk about things rather than write them down.

In new news...Haley Jean has caught that respiratory virus that's going around. It's called Enterovirus No.38. Starts off as a simple cold; sneezing, runny nose & cough. But soon progresses to wheezing & shortness of breath. It's especially difficult for children with preexisting respiratory conditions such as asthma, bronchitis etc. Good thing is that it doesn't last long, it has a cycle of about 2 to 4 weeks. Treatments include some oxygen, breathing treatment like albuterol or pulmicort to open up airflow & some steroids. However, no case is typical. Like Haley Jean, who unfortunately needed the aid of an ET tube. It's difficult seeing your helpless child laying there, trying to play & laugh. Her tiny voice stifled by a breathing tube. To keep her from pulling at it, she's tied down, with only a little slack. The bed is so high up so I have to climb from my chair to lay next to her. She loves to touch my face. The tube doesn't stop her from smiling. She squeezes my hand when she needs to be suctioned. It's very uncomfortable, she cries & my heart aches each time. Eventually I have to climb down from the bed, as most times I'm half in the bed & half in my chair. I'm not 20 anymore so holding myself up, safely is tough. By the time i head home, I'm exhausted. But seeing her beautiful round face, feeling her gentle touch & slightly hearing her softly cooing through the tube makes it all worth it.

She's been in the hospital over 3 weeks now & it's so hard. The separation is difficult to handle most times because when I'm home all I can think of is her. I wish I could spend every second of my life with her, but the truth is, I can't. Sometimes duty calls at home, and I have to answer. I have eat & rest. I feel so guilty when other things interfere with our visits. Sometimes I'm so tired that I can't find any energy to move forward. My heart breaks that I can't be there. This is the life that I've chosen, and I'm sticking to it no matter what. She's the reason my world exists & we are indeed meant to be...;)