Hey......Guess where I am....The PICU!! After our Christmas dinner was cut short I ended up bringing her to the ER. And what's scarier, I was forced to call 911 & they take you to the nearest hospital. She's been here before, they kinda know her but honestly not as well as the other place. It's not their fault, no harm done. I'm subconsciously "trained" to notice things that are out of the ordinary. And while I hear quite often "you know your baby best" there's still not enough training in the world that will keep you calm while on the phone with a medic. I was cool though. Amidst the circumstances I knew I couldn't blow my top while she was in distress. With the phone balanced between my left ear & shoulder, one hand adjusting the pulse ox probe to get a SAT, ordering my niece around & the other hand shaking her for a response, the fear was setting in. All the while reporting to the EMT what had just happened. I reported her being febrile of a 105 axillary & heartrate of 240 ish...I was screaming on the inside & keeping a level head on the outside. I mean, what was screaming ouloud gonna do?? I like productivity, getting things done, ya know, cry later on my own time. Right now, every second counted and I made a conscious effort to see that through. So it's the usual....dehydration, rhinovirus, enterovirus & a possible infection. Looks like I'll be ringing in the New Year at a bedside. Although it's not the best place to be, as long as we're together it's all.....ALL that matters to me. I could care less about being anywhere else in the world. Right here is what matters, it's what counts.
The first 24 hours are probably the hardest to cope with. Waiting for a change or improvement in labs can seem like an eternity. The fear within you grows & taunts your dreams & thoughts. It wraps you in itself taking advantage of your vulnerability. The flutters in your stomach outweigh the hunger you should be feeling considering practically half a day has passed & you still haven't eaten. The sleepless nights & dried eyes become part of you. Sitting at a bedside watching the monitors as the bells scare the crap out of you......Being pulled away by your family begging you to go home, eat, sleep & change clothes because it's been 3 days. I can't tell you just how many of those nights I've encountered. I know there's a rainbow at the end of each tunnel. We'll be back home in no time watching Sesame Street & playing Pat-a-Cake. Cuddling with a book after a warm bath & fresh PJ's. That's my rainbow. It's bright rays of color are there, waiting for us. Just when we make great progress we end up a few steps back to square 1. The hospital stays really set her back but I'm trusting in Him that we'll get back on track....Where we left off.
Rarely do I give myself the chance to wallow in self pity, seriously what does that help?? Remember...Productivity! However that humanistic side of us kicks in the floodgates of tears, pity, anger & hostility become the forefront. Some time ago, someone told me that my baby can feel my pain. So because she's already going through it I try to find the joy in my heart when I'm in her presence. Finding a smile in the midst of pain & hurt is like riffling through a pile of laundry for that favorite blouse. I can't let this distraction dictate my faith. Day 2 is over, talk to you soon....:)
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