Monday, May 18, 2015

Day 69....

It's been 69 days since I last held my child. 69 days!! It feels like day 1. The pain of losing a child is one that cannot be described into words. My life is now a huge cloud of confusion & questions. If only I could go back in time, if only I had known what was coming then I would've been able to fix it. All day long I think of everything I had planned; learning to support her head control, eat & building a dollhouse. We had so many plans & one day those plan became no more. Nothing makes sense anymore no matter how I look at it. I'm in so much pain lately. I was told depression slows the healing process. I'm convinced this is hell on earth..:(

In the meantime,  I'm working on gaining my strength back so that I can help others in my situation. I'd like to share my health experiences with someone in a similar situation as me. Mentor others who feel hopeless & scared. While I was one of Rush's first patients pregnant with OI, the journey was uncertain. 2 years later, I [we] know so much more about my body, what to expect & decision making tactics.

Before I sign off,  I wanted to share this photo with everyone. It is the first & last time I held her in my arms. If I take a deep breath & close my eyes I can feel her pressed against me, I can smell her innocence. If I could do it all over again I would..No regrets, just love. And although I'm not sure what the future holds, I know that my body cannot bare the brunt of carrying a child again. I may never experience it again...But for what it was worth, I wouldn't trade the experience for ANYTHING in this world..I envy those who can.. No matter where I am in the world, my heart will beat for her .I hope to see her tonight in my dreams..:(

"I'm Gonna Wrap Myself in Paper
I'm Gonna Dap Myself with Glue
Stick Some Stamps on Top of My Head
I'm Gonna Mail Myself to you"

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2 comments:

  1. UnknownMay 19, 2015 at 10:33 AM

    "I'd rather have a 2yr of wonderful, than a lifetime of nothing special"
    Haley had the best mom a princess could ever ask for & she kew it😍
    Your pain is my pain & i thank you for bringing Zue Zue into our lives..
    Luv you sis, we are here for you always😘

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    1. Christine HartMay 20, 2015 at 1:43 PM

      There aren't enough words to explain the gratitude you've all shown us from the beginning..Although I am her mother, the loss was shared equally among us. I'm so happy to have been able to share her with you & even more grateful that she brought you immense joy. I have THE BEST FAMILY in the world...I thank you, with all that I am ;)

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