Hello friends, family & strangers alike....Just a quick reminder to share & contribute if you can to my campaign to help reach my goal. I am excited to report that I received an anonymous donation today from a total stranger, I'm very thankful for their kindness. Anyhow, not feeling well this evening. Just another lonely & sleepless night, anxiously awaiting the morning sun. Haven't had much to write about lately but mostly my hiatus is due to writers block. So my apologies for this short post. Please bare with me during my darkness. Everyone says there's a flicker of light in the midst of darkness. Unfortunately I don't see how that can be remotely possible but I hope they're right. God Bless...
http://www.gofundme.com/6p5vb0
https://www.facebook.com/HoorayForHaleyJean
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Sunday, June 14, 2015
A Motherless Child, A Childless Mother...
Have you ever went through life with blinders on but didn't know it until you're forced to evaluate yourself in "lifes" mirror? Well that's what I'm going through right now. I'ts humiliating being idle, sleeping til 2 or 3pm, looking for something to do. After an hour or of searching for a task all you come up with is re-stocking the the bathroom shelf with fresh folded towels, mating socks & shoes, comparing dark roast to medium blend coffee all while crying....hoping no one hears you. I wonder why me, I have no mother or a child so now my life seems so pointless.....I can't see anything but darkness. Painting has been helping & rather soothing. Since my finances have declined significantly, I can't even afford to buy supplies anymore. Beading as well has been something I've worked on to keep me occupied & explore my creative side. Just started Origami Paper folding....Kinda relaxing too.
They say God works mysteriously, that he sees the end from the beginning. How does He work this way without warning us of the inevitable? Not that I'm questioning His logic & Hand, but I just can't help feeling cheated out of what I thought was the greatest gift; Motherhood. Looks like I'll never have that chance again...Deciding to continue with a pregnancy that had obvious obstacles wasn't a hard one to make because I'm no novice to obstacles. I didn't know how to walk away from it because I wasn't built that way. As I have said in the past I don't regret that decision, rather I've learned to embrace it. Just recently heard a this saying, if you can't hide it, celebrate it....I've done that all my life, in fact that is the very premise of my life..That same fabric of embrace that has groomed me to the person I am today. It's probably why others may not understand my thinking or course of action that I take/taken during certain circumstances.
As I am writing this blog entry my favorite televangelist Joel Osteen comes on. He said that people aren't born with problems because of their sins...It's so that God can give great glory at the expense of my enemies. I know that God doesn't make mistakes, that we're all here on borrowed time. We are here as a testimony to God's word, not for ourselves. I've always wanted to use my situation as a lesson for others, in attempt to provide some level of hope to those that are discouraged. I want to help others but I don't know how, my heart aches. I'm deeply saddened, What will I do??
In the meantime I will speak to God to ask Him for answers & direct my steps because I've never been so lost in my entire life until now. Not being able to hold & kiss her hurts my soul, so badly that I can't explain it. I can't see my way out of this depression. What will I do? How can be of assistance to anyone if I can't even help myself?.... :'(
By the way...;)
They say God works mysteriously, that he sees the end from the beginning. How does He work this way without warning us of the inevitable? Not that I'm questioning His logic & Hand, but I just can't help feeling cheated out of what I thought was the greatest gift; Motherhood. Looks like I'll never have that chance again...Deciding to continue with a pregnancy that had obvious obstacles wasn't a hard one to make because I'm no novice to obstacles. I didn't know how to walk away from it because I wasn't built that way. As I have said in the past I don't regret that decision, rather I've learned to embrace it. Just recently heard a this saying, if you can't hide it, celebrate it....I've done that all my life, in fact that is the very premise of my life..That same fabric of embrace that has groomed me to the person I am today. It's probably why others may not understand my thinking or course of action that I take/taken during certain circumstances.
As I am writing this blog entry my favorite televangelist Joel Osteen comes on. He said that people aren't born with problems because of their sins...It's so that God can give great glory at the expense of my enemies. I know that God doesn't make mistakes, that we're all here on borrowed time. We are here as a testimony to God's word, not for ourselves. I've always wanted to use my situation as a lesson for others, in attempt to provide some level of hope to those that are discouraged. I want to help others but I don't know how, my heart aches. I'm deeply saddened, What will I do??
In the meantime I will speak to God to ask Him for answers & direct my steps because I've never been so lost in my entire life until now. Not being able to hold & kiss her hurts my soul, so badly that I can't explain it. I can't see my way out of this depression. What will I do? How can be of assistance to anyone if I can't even help myself?.... :'(
By the way...;)
Thursday, June 11, 2015
A New "Normal"...
OI sure has a way of ruining any aspect of a potential good day. This morning while making breakfast, I sneezed & cracked a rib under my right breast. It shattered any plans I had for the day, such as going out for a haircut. I've lived with OI my entire life & have learned to adjust to it's inconsistencies & sudden obstacles. But lately life seems to have taken a liking to beating down & keeping me there. This stage in my life is the first time I've thrown a pitty-party for this long. I feel so beat down, defeated...useless. I'm writing this because I want to share the aftermath of what life is like....alone. Alone is kinda where I want to be. I'm sad all the time. I want to wallow in this sadness alone because I don't think it's fair to transfer my emotions to others.
So as you can tell today isn't a good day afterall. Typically I embrace my situation simply because this is my normal, however now this my "new" normal. I'm learning to cope without her & it's not going well. To add to my heartache I learned that her Palliative home care nurse Matt Hirshfeld died just days after her services. The shock of this devastating news sent me into an emotional rollercoaster all over again. I couldn't believe the news, it literally felt like a dream. I had no idea that he was ill so that alone caught me by surprise. He was always perky, upbeat & jubilant. He loved his babies & that showed in the way he cared for them. He was more than just Haley Jean's caregiver, he was our friend. He is sorely missed.
When I think of all the fascinating people we've met during this journey, it saddens me that those friendships are no more. Often times I wan to call or text the team to say hello but I think about how that may not be the best idea. They are professionals & since she's no longer their patient it's best move on & hold on to the memories.
As the days persist I will continue to keep myself busy as best I can. However, the next few days will be difficult becasue I'll need to relax as much as possible. I've got to get my ribs healed & pain-free & complete bedrest with meds is my only hope. It'll be very hard, considering that whenever I"m idle I have the hardest time coping with her absence. It forces you to think & remember when most days I don't want to because the pain is just too intense. Yesterday I stayed in bed embarassingly until 3pm. The amount of energy it takes to get up & out of bed to get freshened up is immeasurable. This isn't me, I don't know who this person is anymore. I don't know what "her" purpose in life is or if "she" even has one for that matter. I'm no happy with my reflection in the mirror. AS I said, it's my new "normal".....
I'll use this down time to paint, although I've run out of canvas It'll give me a reason to go to the craft store. In the meantime here's a photo of my most recent project I found on Pinterest. Please pray that I get stronger than the day before. I'll be in touch...;)
By the way...;)
So as you can tell today isn't a good day afterall. Typically I embrace my situation simply because this is my normal, however now this my "new" normal. I'm learning to cope without her & it's not going well. To add to my heartache I learned that her Palliative home care nurse Matt Hirshfeld died just days after her services. The shock of this devastating news sent me into an emotional rollercoaster all over again. I couldn't believe the news, it literally felt like a dream. I had no idea that he was ill so that alone caught me by surprise. He was always perky, upbeat & jubilant. He loved his babies & that showed in the way he cared for them. He was more than just Haley Jean's caregiver, he was our friend. He is sorely missed.
When I think of all the fascinating people we've met during this journey, it saddens me that those friendships are no more. Often times I wan to call or text the team to say hello but I think about how that may not be the best idea. They are professionals & since she's no longer their patient it's best move on & hold on to the memories.
As the days persist I will continue to keep myself busy as best I can. However, the next few days will be difficult becasue I'll need to relax as much as possible. I've got to get my ribs healed & pain-free & complete bedrest with meds is my only hope. It'll be very hard, considering that whenever I"m idle I have the hardest time coping with her absence. It forces you to think & remember when most days I don't want to because the pain is just too intense. Yesterday I stayed in bed embarassingly until 3pm. The amount of energy it takes to get up & out of bed to get freshened up is immeasurable. This isn't me, I don't know who this person is anymore. I don't know what "her" purpose in life is or if "she" even has one for that matter. I'm no happy with my reflection in the mirror. AS I said, it's my new "normal".....
I'll use this down time to paint, although I've run out of canvas It'll give me a reason to go to the craft store. In the meantime here's a photo of my most recent project I found on Pinterest. Please pray that I get stronger than the day before. I'll be in touch...;)
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
GoFundMe...
Check out the most recent updates to this campaign..Many thanks & Blessings :)
http://www.gofundme.com/6p5vb0
http://www.gofundme.com/6p5vb0
Monday, May 18, 2015
Day 69....
It's been 69 days since I last held my child. 69 days!! It feels like day 1. The pain of losing a child is one that cannot be described into words. My life is now a huge cloud of confusion & questions. If only I could go back in time, if only I had known what was coming then I would've been able to fix it. All day long I think of everything I had planned; learning to support her head control, eat & building a dollhouse. We had so many plans & one day those plan became no more. Nothing makes sense anymore no matter how I look at it. I'm in so much pain lately. I was told depression slows the healing process. I'm convinced this is hell on earth..:(
In the meantime, I'm working on gaining my strength back so that I can help others in my situation. I'd like to share my health experiences with someone in a similar situation as me. Mentor others who feel hopeless & scared. While I was one of Rush's first patients pregnant with OI, the journey was uncertain. 2 years later, I [we] know so much more about my body, what to expect & decision making tactics.
Before I sign off, I wanted to share this photo with everyone. It is the first & last time I held her in my arms. If I take a deep breath & close my eyes I can feel her pressed against me, I can smell her innocence. If I could do it all over again I would..No regrets, just love. And although I'm not sure what the future holds, I know that my body cannot bare the brunt of carrying a child again. I may never experience it again...But for what it was worth, I wouldn't trade the experience for ANYTHING in this world..I envy those who can.. No matter where I am in the world, my heart will beat for her .I hope to see her tonight in my dreams..:(
By the way..;)
In the meantime, I'm working on gaining my strength back so that I can help others in my situation. I'd like to share my health experiences with someone in a similar situation as me. Mentor others who feel hopeless & scared. While I was one of Rush's first patients pregnant with OI, the journey was uncertain. 2 years later, I [we] know so much more about my body, what to expect & decision making tactics.
Before I sign off, I wanted to share this photo with everyone. It is the first & last time I held her in my arms. If I take a deep breath & close my eyes I can feel her pressed against me, I can smell her innocence. If I could do it all over again I would..No regrets, just love. And although I'm not sure what the future holds, I know that my body cannot bare the brunt of carrying a child again. I may never experience it again...But for what it was worth, I wouldn't trade the experience for ANYTHING in this world..I envy those who can.. No matter where I am in the world, my heart will beat for her .I hope to see her tonight in my dreams..:(
 |
| "I'm Gonna Wrap Myself in Paper I'm Gonna Dap Myself with Glue Stick Some Stamps on Top of My Head I'm Gonna Mail Myself to you" |
By the way..;)
Friday, May 15, 2015
The Aftermath....
Well my friends & family it's been a long, grueling journey. Picking up the pieces of my life after her transition has been one of the toughest things I've had to do ever. I received sooooooooo many beautiful cards, flowers from friends & strangers...New friends who I'm so blessed to have encountered. They've gotten me through like you'll never know. Within my own darkness I'm trying to be a good friend to others. I ask for strength in times of need, to be a mentor to those who need me in that capacity but it's so hard. I'm not usually one to say "Let me call you back" only because I'm unable to step outside of my own pains to be there for others. I hope to get back to that...One day. Most days I'm floating in disarray. Like that feather in Forrest Gump; floating in the wind with no guidance, direction or specific destination, not even a purpose. I swear I'm so lost, I wake up EACH morning forgetting what day it is, I have moments where I forget she's gone, as if I black out. And when I come to, the heartache repeats itself. It's unbearable. Most of the time I think of what could I have done in my past to have deserved this punishment. I'm not perfect but I try to be a good decent person & being kind to others. I feel like I failed her, the thought of living without her scares the hell out of me & there's nothing I can do about it...I just don't get it. It's been weeks since my last post. I haven't been able to get my thoughts into a cohesive manner on screen or in a journal. My thoughts don't seem to make much sense, well to anyone besides me anyhow. So I just keep to myself most of the time. I finally came back home a month ago & there's really no way to describe the pain & detriment my heart has experienced. My sofa is still covered with stains from her G-Tube site where she lays, medicine or milk droppings..Amoxicillin wreaks in certain areas on my sofa.I'll NEVER have it cleaned. Those stains will remain ingrained to signify the life & presence of my sweet angel. Medicine bottles still sit in my fridge, syringes & supplies sitting in their respected storage areas. What will I do? Talking about her makes me angry, hurt, sad & frustrated to the point where I don't want to talk about her. If I'm not drowning my sorrows in painting, writing or re-decorating I'm full of anxiety & balling my eyes out. The sound of her voice in my mind, or sound of the vents blasting throughout the house has left my subconscious in a fog. The reality is there's no vent sounds anymore, her tiny sweet cooing is no more...I have nothing else but the void of silence...
This is the first time I ever understood what "Finding myself" meant. I've heard it many times but didn't understand the voracity of it until now. I began painting again. It's therapeutic in being creative. She's kind of a mantra or inspiration to that creativity. I even started beading again, & designing some new ideas. I used to bead all the time but stopped because I was occupied. It was hard sometimes being a mom & doing my creativity thing. Now that I have time to spare, I'm using it to get back to what I was before motherhood. I also will be going back to work soon. Had an interview this week. It'll be hard to get back to the old Christine with all the trauma I've endured, not to mention the emotional & physical pain. Trying to manage both is hard. As they're both in not-so-great conditions.
I'll end it here for now & will be back hopefully sooner than later...;)
By the way...;)
This is the first time I ever understood what "Finding myself" meant. I've heard it many times but didn't understand the voracity of it until now. I began painting again. It's therapeutic in being creative. She's kind of a mantra or inspiration to that creativity. I even started beading again, & designing some new ideas. I used to bead all the time but stopped because I was occupied. It was hard sometimes being a mom & doing my creativity thing. Now that I have time to spare, I'm using it to get back to what I was before motherhood. I also will be going back to work soon. Had an interview this week. It'll be hard to get back to the old Christine with all the trauma I've endured, not to mention the emotional & physical pain. Trying to manage both is hard. As they're both in not-so-great conditions.
I'll end it here for now & will be back hopefully sooner than later...;)
By the way...;)
Saturday, April 11, 2015
The End of the Road...
It is with great sadness & a heavy heart to report that my sweet baby girl Haley Jean transitioned to be with our Lord Jesus on March 18 at approx 2pm. She had struggled with keeping an adequate body temperature & heartrate for months. After 2 weeks of tachycardic & febrile episodes, her tiny body couldn't go on any longer....I will end it here, as my heart is submerged in sadness & grief as I speak. Please continue to share her story of triumph, strength, resilience & love. I'm beyond thankful to be chosen as her mother. To God be the Glory!!!!!
By the way...;)
By the way...;)
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