Have you ever went through life with blinders on but didn't know it until you're forced to evaluate yourself in "lifes" mirror? Well that's what I'm going through right now. I'ts humiliating being idle, sleeping til 2 or 3pm, looking for something to do. After an hour or of searching for a task all you come up with is re-stocking the the bathroom shelf with fresh folded towels, mating socks & shoes, comparing dark roast to medium blend coffee all while crying....hoping no one hears you. I wonder why me, I have no mother or a child so now my life seems so pointless.....I can't see anything but darkness. Painting has been helping & rather soothing. Since my finances have declined significantly, I can't even afford to buy supplies anymore. Beading as well has been something I've worked on to keep me occupied & explore my creative side. Just started Origami Paper folding....Kinda relaxing too.
They say God works mysteriously, that he sees the end from the beginning. How does He work this way without warning us of the inevitable? Not that I'm questioning His logic & Hand, but I just can't help feeling cheated out of what I thought was the greatest gift; Motherhood. Looks like I'll never have that chance again...Deciding to continue with a pregnancy that had obvious obstacles wasn't a hard one to make because I'm no novice to obstacles. I didn't know how to walk away from it because I wasn't built that way. As I have said in the past I don't regret that decision, rather I've learned to embrace it. Just recently heard a this saying, if you can't hide it, celebrate it....I've done that all my life, in fact that is the very premise of my life..That same fabric of embrace that has groomed me to the person I am today. It's probably why others may not understand my thinking or course of action that I take/taken during certain circumstances.
As I am writing this blog entry my favorite televangelist Joel Osteen comes on. He said that people aren't born with problems because of their sins...It's so that God can give great glory at the expense of my enemies. I know that God doesn't make mistakes, that we're all here on borrowed time. We are here as a testimony to God's word, not for ourselves. I've always wanted to use my situation as a lesson for others, in attempt to provide some level of hope to those that are discouraged. I want to help others but I don't know how, my heart aches. I'm deeply saddened, What will I do??
In the meantime I will speak to God to ask Him for answers & direct my steps because I've never been so lost in my entire life until now. Not being able to hold & kiss her hurts my soul, so badly that I can't explain it. I can't see my way out of this depression. What will I do? How can be of assistance to anyone if I can't even help myself?.... :'(
By the way...;)
